Romeo and Jewliet
by aband0nd3d pr0f1l3
Summary: South Park version of Shakespeare's tragedy Romeo and Juliet.
1. Cast of Characters

**This is for those of you guys who find it hard to read Shakespeare. This is my own adaptation of Shakespeare's classic play, 'Romeo and Juliet'. I recently had to read it in school (though I had read it before) and was surprised at the amount of people in my class who found the language hard to understand. So here you are; use it as Cliff's notes if you want, but remember that the story is meant to be humorous and might not include all the parts in said play. I haven't decided yet. But anyways, here goes!**

**I don't own South Park or Romeo and Juliet.**

**Cast of Characters:**

**Montague- **Randy Marsh

**Lady Montague- **Sharon Marsh

**Romeo- **Stan Marsh

**Benvolio- **Butters Stotch

**Abram- **Mr. Tweak

**Balthasar- **Pip

**Capulet- **Gerald Broflovski

**Lady Capulet- **Sheila Broflovski

**Juliet- **Kyle Broflovski

**Nurse- **Bebe Stevens

**Tybalt- **Ike Broflovski

**Tybalt's Page- **generic dude

**Petruccio- **generic dude

**Capulet's cousin- **generic dude

**Peter, Sampson, Gregory- **Clyde Donovan, Kevin Stoley, Token Black

**Prince- **Damien

**Mercutio- **Kenny McCormick

**Mercutio's Page- **generic dude

**Paris- **Eric Cartman

**Paris' Page- **Pip

**Friar Lawrence- **Craig Tucker

**Friar John- **Tweek Tweak

**Apothecary- **Mephisto

**Serving men- **generic dudes

**Three Musicians- **Clyde Donovan, Kevin Stoley, Token Black

**Chief Watchmen- **Officer Barbrady

**Second, Third Watchmen- **generic dudes

**Officer-** generic dudes

**Sorry, but I thought this 'Cast of Characters' page should be separate from the rest of the chapters, or 'Scenes'. So be patient, I'll update soon! (Depending upon balancing this with Life and Times.)**

**. . . You don't have to review this. XD**


	2. Act 1, Scene 1

**Act 1, Scene 1**

_**Clyde Donovan**__ and __**Kevin Stoley**__ enter the scene, dressed in the house of Broflovski._

**Clyde: **Kevin, I swear, we are _not _taking anyone's shit today.

**Kevin: **Hell no!

**Clyde:** I'm serious; if someone tries to fuck with me today I'm gonna shank them.

**Kevin:** … and then get sent to jail.

**Clyde:** I'm a fast motherfucker when I'm pissed, Kevin.

**Kevin**: But you don't get angry easily enough for that to matter.

**Clyde:** Those damn Broflovskis piss me off enough.

**Kevin:** Moving is stirring, and being brave is to stand; so if you're moved then you run away like a pussy.

**Clyde:** An asshole from that house moves me to stand.

**Kevin:** Whatever the hell that means. Anyway, this feud is between the Marshes and Broflovskis, dude. Not us.

**Clyde:** It's all the same. I'll be a tyrant. After I've beaten all the guys I'll be merciful to their women. I'll cut of their heads.

**Kevin**: The heads of their women? Dude. Sick.

**Clyde:** Yeah, whatever. Take it however you want.

**Kevin**: I will take that how I want to, thanks.

**Clyde**: Well hey; everyone knows I'm sexy as hell.

**Kevin**: Well, you're not ugly I guess. If you were, that'd be rather unfortunate for me. Aw shit, here comes some of the house of Broflovski!

_(Enter __**Mr. Tweak**__ and another guy)_

**Clyde:** Great, time for a fight! I've got your back, Kevin!

**Kevin:** How? By leaving me here and running?

**Clyde:** Don't frigging doubt me, _Gregory._

**Kevin:** Clyde, my name is Kevin.

**Clyde:** of course it is Gregory. Now let them start it. Then we can't be tried.

**Kevin (Gregory?):** Alright; I'll stare at them creepily as we pass. Let them take it how they want.

**Clyde:** No way dude. I'll flip them off. They'll be disgraced if they take that shit from us. _(flips them off)_

**Mr. Tweak**: Are you flipping us off, young man?

**Clyde:** Well, I _am_ flinging my middle finger in the air in your general direction, sir.

**Mr. Tweak:** Are you flinging it at us though?

**Clyde:** _(aside to Kevin)_ is the law on our side if I say yeah?

**Kevin:** _(aside to Clyde) _no.

**Clyde:** No sir, I'm not flipping_ you_ off, but I am sticking my middle finger in your face.

**Kevin:** Are you trying to start something with us, sir?

**Mr. Tweak:** Me, young man? Why of course not.

**Clyde: **If you are though, I'm ready for you. I serve as good a man as you.

**Mr. Tweak:** No _better._

**Clyde:** WELL, sir! _(aside to Kevin) _This guy's trying to be a smartass with us, Gregory.

**Kevin: ***sigh*

_Enter __**Butters Stotch.**_

**Kevin:** _(aside to Clyde)_ well answer him then! Here comes one of Marsh's relatives.

**Clyde:** _Yes_, better sir.

**Mr. Tweak**: I cry bullshit.

**Clyde:** Well, get ready for a fight, if you're men! – Gregory, cover me!

**Kevin**: I'm Kevin, dammit! You'd think you'd remember your damn boyfriend's name!

_They fight._

**Butters:** H-hey guys, stop fighting! You don't know what you're doing! _(puts up his own fists in warning)_

_Enter __**Ike Broflovski.**_

**Ike: **What the hell do you think you're doing, fucking around with my servants? Butters, I'm going to kick your ass_. (puts up his fists as if to fight)_

**Butters: **I-I'm just trying to break this up, honest!

**Ike:** What the hell, Butters? You can't have one of my guys pinned to a wall with your fist in his face and talk of peace! I hate the word as I hate Hell, the place where all you Marshes are going!

_They fight._

_Enter __**Citizens**__ with bats and other various weapons._

**Citizens: **Down with Marsh! Down with Broflovski!

_Enter __**Gerald Broflovski**__ and __**Sheila Broflovski.**_

**Mr. Broflovski:** What the hell is going on? Someone get me a sword!

**Mrs. Broflovski:** No one uses swords anymore, Gerald. We've devolved to bare fists, it seems.

_Enter __**Randy Marsh**__ and __**Sharon Marsh.**_

**Mr. Broflovski: **Well hell, there's Randy Marsh now! He has a sword just to insult me!

**Mrs. Broflovski:** No Gerald, Randy is just an idiot.

**Randy Marsh**: You Broflovskian asshole! (_to Sharon)_ don't hold me back, let me go Sharon!

**Mrs. Marsh:** oh no you don't! You're not fighting today if I can help it Randy!

_Enter __**Prince Damien**__ with his hellspawn court._

**Damien:** What the hell is going on here? Calm down, unwilling, rebellious subjects! You bastards, thinking only to answer your problems with violence! Blood, blood everywhere! All over my beautiful streets! That comes out of your paychecks, you know! And you still fight! Ugh, if you don't throw down your weapons and listen to me I'm going to burn you all alive! I'm the goddamn antichrist; I can just find a different town to rule! Listening? Good. You idiots Marsh and Broflovski are like the goddamn Bloods and Crypts with all your fights! If you ever start another that disturbs the town's peace you'll pay by forfeiting your lives! Now everyone leave; there's nothing to see here. Broflovski, come with me. Marsh, you come later this afternoon. Again, on pain of death, everyone leave!

_They exit (except for __**Randy Marsh, Sharon Marsh,**__ and __**Butters Stotch**__.)_

**Randy Marsh: **Who started this fight? You, Butters! Were you here when it happened?

**Butters:** Well y-yes sir. There were the servants of your enemy and your own, fighting as I idled by. I tried to break it up, by then came Ike, fists raised to fight me. He swung at me and missed. While we were fighting, more and more people showed up until The Dark Prince came to part us.

**Mrs. Marsh**: Where's Stan? Did you see him today? I'm glad he wasn't here.

**Butters:** Well early this morning I decided to go for a walk, where, standing under a bunch of trees like a creeper, did I see Stan. I started walking over to him, but he obviously didn't want to talk and went away.

**Mrs. Marsh:** Well how do you know he just didn't see you?

**Butters:** He flipped me off, ma'am.

**Mrs. Marsh:** oh.

**Butters: **But anyway, he went away and I, deciding it safer not to risk getting my butt kicked, left him alone.

**Randy Marsh: **He's been seen there a lot lately, tears staining his face like a pansy. At nightfall he shuts himself up in his room and all I hear are cries of 'Wendy, Wendy'.

**Butters:** D-do you know what's troubling him?

**Randy Marsh**: How the hell should I know? It can't be girls; the kid's fucking hot!

**Mrs. Marsh:** Randy!

**Randy Marsh**: Don't deny we made a sexy baby, Sharon.

**Butters: **Have you asked him what's wrong?

**Randy Marsh:** Like I would do that! I'm his father; we don't do feelings! You're free to ask though.

_Enter __**Stan Marsh.**_

**Butters:** Look, here he comes! Don't worry, I'll find out what's troubling him!

**Mrs. Marsh:** Thank you Butters. Let's hope he doesn't beat you up too terribly. Come on, Randy.

_**Randy**__ and __**Sharon Marsh**__ exit._

**Butters: **Oh, uh, good morning Stan.

**Stan:** Fuck off Butters. _(aside)_ Ugh, is it still morning?

**Butters:** Just nine o' clock.

**Stan:** Sadness makes the day longer. Hey, was that my dad that left so quickly?

**Butters:** Yeah. What sadness lengthens Stan's hours?

**Stan:** Not having that which makes them seem shorter.

**Butters:** A time machine?

**Stan:** No Butters, a chick.

**Butters:** You're in love?

**Stan:** *sigh* Idiot, stop asking so many stupid questions! No; out.

**Butters:** Out…of love?

**Stan:** I swear Butters; I'm going to fucking kill you. It's one-sided.

**Butters:** Oh, love. That which can be so gentle and pure can also be rough and heavy, like a rose; beautiful upon first glance and then-ouch! You've been pricked by a thorn.

**Stan:** …What the hell are you talking about Butters?

**Butters:** I…I just felt poetic all of a sudden.

**Stan:** Ugh, whatever. I feel like dying. And all of this over a girl. A girl who makes me vomit upon the sight of her, even!

**Butters:** _(aside)_ No wonder it's one-sided.

**Stan:** What, you laugh at me?

**Butters:** No no Stan, I'd rather cry!

**Stan:** …Contemptuous asshole. Ah, but such is love. Love is a parasite, infecting its host and leaving them a mere shell of what they once were when it's through. A madness most discreet, a cupcake you know is poisoned but can't help eating anyway. Well, bye Butters.

**Butters:** Wait! I'll go with you. If you leave me here alone, you do me wrong.

**Stan:** *sigh* I have lost myself in this malady. I'm not here; I'm not Stan. He's somewhere else.

**Butters:** _(aside)_ Wow, love really turns you into a whiny bitch, doesn't it?

**Stan:** What?

**Butters:** Tell me who you love, Stan.

**Stan:** Ugh, should I, like many a teenage girl has to a gaggle of friends before me? A gaggle of friends who, in sworn to secrecy, tell everyone anyway? No thanks.

**Butters:** Come on, Stan! Tell!

**Stan:** Fine, fine Butters. I love a woman.

**Butters:** …Really?

**Stan:** What, were you expecting something else? Another gender, perhaps? Jesus Butters, just because you and Kenny are gay for each other doesn't mean everyone is. But anyway, yes, a woman. And she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

**Butters:** Of course; only the best for our Stan.

**Stan:** But no, you see, because she doesn't love me back! She's sworn chastity! She's so beautiful, Butters, but sad that her beauty won't live on in future generations.

**Butters**: So she's sworn to live chaste?

**Stan:** Goddamnit Butters, what the hell did I just say? Yes, and in doing so she wastes her life. *sigh* She's too smart, too beautiful to love. She's sworn not to love, and in doing so made me a living dead man.

**Butters:** Well forget about her.

**Stan:** Teach me how to forget to think! Day and night, every waking hour I spare no thoughts to anything but her!

**Butters:** Look at other girls.

**Stan:** Like that would help. A person stricken blind can never forget the treasure of his eyesight lost, Butters. Goodbye. You can't help me.

**Butters: **I'll teach you how to forget or die trying! _They exit._

**Oh. My. God. That took fucking forever to write! What I'm doing is looking in the book, reading it line by line, and rewriting it modernized to my specifications. Of course, some of the lines were taken straight out of the play, and some of them were completely improvised. Can you tell which? Oh, and I forgot to mention who Rosaline was played by. Can any of you guess?**

**Review, review! It inspires me to go on! :'D**


	3. Act 1, Scene 2

**Act 1, Scene 2**

_Enter __**Gerald Broflovski, Cartman**__, and a __**servingman**_

**Mr. Broflovski: **But Marsh has to keep the peace just like me, and it shouldn't be hard for guys like us to do something like that.

**Cartman:** Yeah yeah, great. So what do you say about me and your daughter, nya?

**Mr. Broflovski: **Well she's pretty young. I mean, she's not even fourteen yet! Two more years. Then you can marry her.

**Cartman:** I wanna marry her _now _though! Two more years and she'll be old as shit!

**Mr. Broflovski:** She's my only daughter, just wait, that's all I ask. But you have to court her, Eric. If she'll agree to it, then I'll gladly marry you two. There's going to be a party here tonight and many people are going to be here. You, of course, will be there-

**Cartman: **I'd better be, dammit.

**Mr. Broflovski:** -there's going to be a lot of sexy girls here, but I don't want you to pay them any attention. Treat my daughter as if she is all you see and care to see._ (to __**servingman**__, giving him paper)_ go now, hand these invitations out, I don't have all day! One must hurry for these last-minute parties!

_**Gerald Broflovski**__ and__** Cartman**__ exit._

**Servingman: **Give these invitations out? Screw that! I don't need to take that guy Broflovski's shit! I'm under enough stress already; I quit!

_Enter __**Butters**__ and __**Stan.**_

**Butters: **Oh hush you; we'll help. Won't we, Stan?

**Stan:** Why the hell are you following me?

**Butters**: Oh Stan , why're you so mad?

**Stan:** I'm not mad. God no, what would give you that idea? I'm just completely dead on the inside and wonder why an idiot such as yourself would be _following me everywhere_ and-oh well hello.

**Servingman: **Hey.You wouldn't happen to be able to read, would you?

**Stan: **Good God man, it's the 21st century. You're telling me you're not literate?

**Servingman:** Literate enough to read this damn script. It's what the line says, ad-libber.

**Stan:** Alright, lemme see this- oh would you look at that. A party at the Broflovskis. And my woman! Wendy will be there!

**Servingman:** Your…woman? Dude, you didn't read ahead in the script, did you?

_He exits._

**Butters: **Well look, Wendy is going to be at this party, along with all the beautiful women of South Park. I mean, I assume so. You straight guys think they're pretty…anyway! We should go, and you can compare her with the others!

**Stan: **_What_? No! If I ever end up thinking anyone is more beautiful than her I hope my eyes burn out of their sockets! I will _personally_ gouge them out with a rusty spoon! The sun never saw her match since the world first begun.

**Butters:** You thought she was pretty when you didn't have anything to compare her to. We're going, and you're going to find someone way prettier, Stan. I promise.

**Stan**: Peh! I'll go…but only so I can stare at Wendy.

_They exit_

**Fft, short scene. Stan is so freaking creepy, amirite? Seriously, Romeo is JUST LIKE THAT in the play! Creepy, depressed, and whiny. Can't wait till Kenny (Mercutio) shows up. This chick told me about this Benvolio x Mercutio story she read and that's how I came up with Butters as Benvolio and Kenny as Mercutio. Cause they are SO gay for each other. XD**

**New scenes soon, I promise! n Reviews for my petty chapter?**


	4. Act 1, Scene 3

**Act 1, Scene 3**

_Enter __**Sheila Broflovski**__ and __**Bebe Stevens**_

**Mrs. Broflovski: **Nurse, where's my daughter? Call her for me.

**Bebe: **Oh, like no problem Mrs. B! Now where is she-Yo!-Hey, Kyle!

_Enter __**Kyle**_

**Kyle: **What the hell do you want?

**Bebe:** Your mom wants to talk to you and she is P.O-ed by the sound of it. You might wanna put your dress back on.

**Kyle:** I-I am a _guy_! Why does everyone insist on calling me a girl? Ugh. Hey Mum. What is it?

**Mrs. Broflovski:** Nurse, leave us alone for awhile. – wait, come back. I've forgotten myself, silly me. You have to hear what we're talking about. Now you know my daughter is of_ that_ age.

**Bebe:** _(aside) _I really wish you'd stop referring to me as Nurse. It's insulting.

**Mrs. Broflovski:** Speak up dear. What did you say?

**Bebe:** I said I can tell her age to the hour, ma'am!

**Mrs. Broflovski:** She's not fourteen yet.

**Kyle:** I am_ right _here! I'm a guy!

**Bebe:** Not fourteen yet? How long is it to her birthday?

**Kyle:** Are you seriously going to ignore me every time I say I'm a guy?

**Mrs. Broflovski:** About two weeks and a few days.

**Kyle:** Jesus Christ…

**Bebe:** Well wow. Of all days, in two weeks and a few days approximately my wittle Kyle will be fourteen. ***sigh* **I remember when she was just a little girl, that Kyle. I remember when-

**Mrs. Broflovski:** Now come on, that speech isn't necessary. We're cutting it out.

**Bebe:** But-! I barely get any parts in this damn play!

**Mrs. Broflovski:** The editor has edited out your biggest part, dearie. Suck it up. You have more parts than me and you don't hear poor _me _crying about it.

**Bebe:** …

**Mrs. Broflovski**: Well yes. Let's see…ah! Kyle bubbe, I've remembered! How do you stand on getting married?

**Kyle:** Wha…I'm not even fourteen yet and you're talking about _marriage_? What the hell mom! I haven't even thought about that!

**Bebe:** An hour! Was I not-

**Mrs. Broflovski:** Come on now Nurse, no adding in edited out parts.

**Bebe:** But-!

**Mrs. Broflovski: **Well bubbe, think of it now. Here in South Park, women younger than you are already mothers! You forget that we live in a redneck mountain town, dearie! Now, in summary: the voluminous Cartman seeks your hand.

**Bebe:** C-Cartman? _(stifles laughter) _Oh lady, s-such a man as all…as all _(bursts into laughter)_

**Mrs. Broflovski: **Well Kyle? Can you love him? He'll be at our party tonight. Check him out and find yourself lucky. By having him, you're making yourself no less.

**Bebe**: N-no less? No, _bigger._

**Kyle: **Cartman? Mum, what the hell are you thinking? I am _not_ getting married before I'm fourteen and I'm_ damn_ sure not marrying Cartman!

**Mrs. Broflovski:** _Bubbe!_

**Kyle:** Ehm…I mean, I'll look, but if I don't like what I see than there is no way you're getting me to marry him. _(aside) _Like I'd ever find that lard attractive, even if I was a girl.

_Enter__** Servingman**_

**Servingman: **Madam, the guests are arriving, dinner is served, the Nurse is cursed in the kitchen, and everything is chaos. I have to go now. Please, follow at once.

**Mrs. Broflovski:** Alright, we're coming. Kyle just has to put on her new dress. Don't you bubbe?

**Kyle:** Ugh.

**Mrs. Broflovski:** Hurry up now bubbe- Cartman waits.

**Bebe:** _(snickering) _Yeah Kyle…can't wait to get your mouth around his fat-

**Kyle:** BEBE!

_**Bebe Stevens**__ erupts into a fit of laughter and they exit._

**Oh. My. GAAAAWD. DX I'm so tired you have no idea. Well at least Kyle was finally introduced to the story, right? I feel so bad for him. n ugh, my brain's too fried for me to think of anything to say here. oh review, my good people!**


	5. Act 1, Scene 4

**Act 1, Scene 4**

_Enter __**Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch**__, with five or six others_

**Stan: **What? You think a speech will excuse us for being uninvited, or are we going without apology?

**Butters:** No. Who wants to listen to that? We won't be there for long anyway. _(rubs knuckles together) _R-right?

**Stan**: Shut up Butters. Now give me a damn flashlight; I'm going home.

**Kenny:** Don't tell Butters to shut up, Stan! And of course you're going. You have to dance before we leave. _(smirks to the company)_

**Stan:** You're…joking right? I can't dance, especially not as I am. Too…sad…

**Kenny:** Come on Stan! You can dance way better than any of those other guys if you let go of your issues! Lighten up, lover boy.

**Stan: **No…I'm too badly wounded by Cupid's arrow. There's no hope for me.

**Kenny:** If you let yourself to be weighed down by love, then you'll be overburdening your body. Come on Stan! For me? For us, your super best friends?

**Stan: **Is love so fragile? It's too rough and cruel and it pricks like a thorn.

**Butters:** I-I said that earlier and you called me a fag!

**Kenny**: Well you are a fag, Butters. (_kisses him, then turns his attention to __**Stan**__) _If love is rough with you, be rough with love. Life's a bitch, Stan. Bend it over and rape it.

**Butters: (**_disoriented) _Uhm…I forgot my line…

**Stan:** Well, we're here. You guys can dance and have fun; I'll just sit on the sidelines.

**Kenny:** Boo, you're no fun Stan! Don't worry, me n' Butters love you more than that bitch-hag Wendy anyways. _(makes to kiss __**Stan, **__but__** Butters**__ jumps in the way)_ Butters!

**Butters:** Uh-um…enough of all this talking! We missed dinner and now we're gonna be late!

**Kenny**: Whoa whoa wait…did we just skip my awesome speech? What the hell?

**Stan:** I heard Bebe's speech was cut out too. It's not just you. This isn't a direct copy of the original play, you know.

**Kenny:** Play…? What the hell are you talking about?

**Stan:** _(ignoring __**Kenny) **_Well, I guess you guys leave me no choice. Let's go then.

**Butters:** I'm so happy you finally decided to let go of Wendy for at least this one night, Stan!

**Stan:** …Thanks for reminding me, asshole. _(looks at the night sky) _I think…I think something bad is gonna happen, guys. Like I might die soon, or something.

**Kenny:** Dude, get over yourself! I feel like that all the time! Come on; let's go crash the Broflovski's party.

_They exit._

**Ha, Kenny doesn't know they're in a play. FFT why do all the scenes besides the first one seem so short? It's starting to piss me off. At least we're coming up to the party scene, right? I'm anxious for that too. ;D I just have to say, thank all of you for reviewing. I read all my reviews, I do. I'm just so busy updating and writing and editing that I can't respond to you guys! I really appreciate them though; they keep me going! I feast on your reviews, so please, keep them coming! I love your feedback. ^ ^;**


	6. Act 1, Scene 5

**Act 1, Scene 5**

_Enter __**Gerald Broflovski**__ with __**His Cousin, Ike Broflovski, Sheila Broflovski, Kyle Broflovski,**__ others of the house and all the guests_

**Mr. Broflovski: **Welcome, ladies! Have a good time, dance, have fun! You have mace and rape whistles, yes? Good, good!

-Welcome, gentlemen! The ladies are prepared, so look forward to a challenge! The bowl of roofies has been conveniently placed by the punch bowl. I suggest you don't drink it, if you know what I mean, haha!

-What a party, huh? When was the last time you and me, cousin, were at one?

**Broflovski's Cousin:** At least thirty years, Gerald.

**Mr. Broflovski:** What? Oh no, we're not that old are we cousin? No no, not that long ago. More like…twenty five.

**Broflovski's Cousin**: No…no, I could've sworn it was thirty, Gerald.

**Stan:** _(to a__** servingman**__)_ Um, 'scuse me, but who is that girl over there?

**Servingman**: I dunno.

**Stan:** Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn bright! It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night as a rich jewel in an Ethiope's ear, beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear. Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight, for I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.

**Servingman:** Oh…kay then. What the hell are you saying?

**Stan:** What? I didn't say anything.

**Servingman:** But you just… _(stares at him uncertainly)_

**Ike:** That voice…it must be a Marsh! _(aside)_ cause you know, I can identify my enemies by voice. That's not creepy at all.

-That asshole. I should kill him.

**Mr. Broflovski**: Now Ike, what's wrong?

**Ike: **A Marsh is here, dad! He's here in disguise to mock us and our celebration!

**Mr. Broflovski**: Stan, is it?

**Ike:** Um…yeaah…I never said who it was though…

**Mr. Broflovski**: Well just leave him alone, Ike. He's fine.

**Ike:** Whatever. I'm gonna go kick his ass.

**Mr. Broflovski:** He _will_ be endured, Ike. Because _I_ say so. This is my house and what I say goes, young man!

**Ike**: But-!

**Mr. Broflovski:** You really want to take this route? Go to your room, young man! Go!

**Ike:** Fine. I'll leave, but this blatant intrusion will be retaliated, I'll see to that.

_He exits._

**Stan:** Oh. My. Gaaaaawd. Excuse me miss, but I think I'm in love.

**Kyle:** Wha-? Oh wait, no dude, you don't understand. My parents, they're insane. They think I'm a- _(is kissed by __**Stan**__)_

**Stan: **You're…sort of flatchested, aren't you?

**Kyle**: That's because I'm a- _(is kissed by__** Stan**__ again) _Dude!

**Stan**: Don't be so cruel to yourself. You're glowing. Your curly red hair is akin to the sun, blinding in radiance. I could get lost in those emeralds you call eyes…

**Kyle:** …I must admit, your commitment is flattering. But why are you the one doing all the kissing? Get your ass over here! _(kisses __**Stan)**_

**Stan:** Holy hell, you're the most amazing woman I've ever met! I'll follow you anywhere you want to go…

**Bebe:** Kylie! Kylie! Your mom wants to talk to you!

**Kyle:** Wha, shut up I'm going!

_**Kyle**__ moves away._

**Stan: **Who's her mom?

**Bebe:** Oh? Her mom is the lady of the house. I'm her nurse, I am. Hafta watch her like a hawk I do. Doesn't pay well, but there's benefits, so…

**Stan: **She's a Broflovski? Jesus Christ _what_? Oh no…this…this does not bode well.

**Butters:** Well, this is as good as this party's going to get. Let's go.

**Stan:** Yeah…yeah let's go…

**Mr. Broflovski:** Aw, but we're about to have dessert! Do you really have to go? Alright then, thank you all. Good night. Alright then, bed.

_All except __**Kyle Broflovski**__ and __**Bebe Stevens**__ begin to exit._

**Kyle: **Hey Bebe, come here. Who's that guy?

**Bebe:** Hm? Oh I don't know.

**Kyle:** Well go ask his name! _**(Bebe**__ goes after him)_ If he's married I think I might be forever alone.

**Bebe:** _(returning)_ His name is Stan Marsh, the only son of your enemy! Ooh, plot twist!

**Kyle:** Oh really then? How ironic that well, first of all everyone thinks I'm a girl and I've been trying to convince them I'm not since _birth _and I turn out being gay. Huh. And then there's the fact that the guy I'm in love with is my enemy.

**Bebe:** You're right. These are soap opera twists right here. –Wait a sec, you love him? Like, love_ love _love him? Oooooh! _(squeals)_

**Kyle: **Shut up Bebe. Let's go; everyone's gone.

_They exit._

**Ah yes, finally. They've met. So I added some direct lines from the play, namely, part of when Romeo is describing Juliet's beauty. And yeah, I changed how they met. But that was to be expected, right? Poor Kyle, even Stan thinks he's a girl! Will anyone ever realize his true gender? Oh, so what do you guys think of me writing another multi-chapter fic? Crenny? I mean, I wanted to wait to write it until I was done with at least one of the two (Style and Stolovan) that I'm writing right now, but I'm starting to get bored and a great cure for that is more variety. Of course, if I start writing it then updates may be fewer and far between. Then again I could take the write-a-bunch-of-one shots-in-between route. What ever shall I do? Review your thoughts!**


	7. Act 2, Scene 1

**Act 2, Scene 1**

_Enter __**Stan Marsh**__ alone._

**Stan: **Ugh, how can I keep going? Turn back, sluggish body, and find Kyle. _(moves away)_

_Enter __**Butters Stotch**__ and __**Kenny McCormick**_

**Butters: **_(calling) _Stan! Stan! Hamburgers, where are you?

**Kenny**: He's smart. I'd bet my life that he's at home in bed by now.

**Butters:** He ran this way and went over this orchard wall. Help me call him, Kenny.

**Kenny: **Alright then!

Stan! Humors, madman, passion, lover!

Appear to us in the guise of a sigh!

Say one rhyme and I am satisfied.

Pronounce but 'love' and 'dove.'

Speak to my good friend Aphrodite one nice word,

One nickname for her blind son and heir,

Young Eros, he that shot so true

When unlikely pairs come together.

I conjure thee by Wendy's bright eyes,

By her high forehead and her scarlet lip,

By her fine foot, straight leg, and quivering thigh,

And by the areas there adjacent-

_(aside to the audience) _I'm talking about her vagina right there.

- That in your likeness you will appear to us.

**Butters: **Oh hush Kenny! If he hears you he'll get angry!

**Kenny**: He won't get mad. He'd get mad if I had sex with his Wendy. Now_ that_ would be provocative. I'm only being honest. I call in his mistress' name only to bring him out. Of hiding, of the closet; take that statement how you want.

**Butters: **_(ignoring __**Kenny's**__ last statement) _Over here, he's somewhere in the trees. _(he sighs)_ His love is blind and best fits the night, don't you think, Kenny?

**Kenny: **If love is blind then he can't hit his mark. Instead he sits under a medlar tree and wishes his mistress were that kind of fruit.

- Oh Stan, I wish she was! That she was a cheap hooker and you were her pimp. Good night Stan, I'm done with this; I'm going to bed. The ground is too cold for me to sleep on.

- Well Butters, shall we go?

**Butters: **Well I guess we should go…he doesn't want to be found, after all.

**Kenny**: Mmm, yep. _(puts his arm around __**Butters'**__ waist) _Who wants to stay out here in the cold anyway when we can go inside and do something more fun~?

**This is sooo short! Not even worth reading; I'm sorry you guys! I've been procrastinating with this story not cause I've gotten bored with it but because I've put my other story on a hiatus, so I figured I'd halt all stories. Life and Times isn't off its hiatus, mind you. I just felt so bad after getting this one review that I had to continue! So in Kenny's speech I changed 'Venus and Cupid' to 'Aphrodite and Eros' because I like Greek gods better. They were first and the Romans just changed their names. But I digress…the balcony scene is next! ;D**


	8. Act 2, Scene 2

**Act 2, Scene 2**

_**Stan Marsh**__ comes forward._

**Stan: **He laughs at scars that never felt a wound.

_Enter __**Kyle Broflovski**__ above._

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

- err, I mean…who's that up there?

It is the east, and Kyle is the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,

Who is already sick and pale with grief

That you are far more beautiful than she.

It is my woman. Oh, it is my love.

Oh that she knew she was!

She speaks, but says nothing. What does that matter?

I'm too bold. It's not me she's talking to.

Look at her leaning her cheek on her hand.

How I wish I were a glove on that hand

So I could touch that cheek!

**Kyle: **Oy vey!

**Stan: **_(aside) _She speaks.

- Speak again, angel, for you are as amazing to this night as a winged messenger from the Heavens.

**Kyle: **Ugh, Stan, Stan! Why do you have to be _Stan?_ Renounce your family and get rid of your name. Or if you won't, only swear to be mine and I'll no longer be a Broflovski.

**Stan: **_(aside)_ I feel…kind of creepy listening in on her like this. But she's talking about me, so it's ok…right?

**Kyle: **It's only your name that I've been raised to hate. You would be yourself even if you weren't a Marsh. What's Marsh? It is no part belonging to a man. Oh, be some other name! What's in a name? That which we called a rose by any other word would smell as sweet. So Stan, were he not called Stan, would still be perfect without that title. Stan, get rid of your name and in exchange take me.

**Stan: **Agreed! From now on call me just 'love'. I will never be Stan.

**Kyle:** Who the hell are you? Get out of my backyard you fucking creep! Pip, is that you? Go the fuck away!

**Stan:** By a name…? I don't know how to tell you. My name is hated by myself because it is hated by you. If I had it written here on a piece of paper I'd tear it to shreds.

**Kyle:** I haven't heard you speak more than once and I know your voice. Stan, is that you?

**Stan: **No.

**Kyle**: Then get the fuck out.

**Stan:** Well no-! I mean it _is_ but if you don't like it…

**Kyle: **So you are Stan? How the hell did you get here? You'll be killed if any one of my family finds you here!

**Stan: **Meh. I'm not worried. Whatever love is capable of doing it will attempt to do, so I can fend off the in-laws.

**Kyle:** _(stifling a giggle)_ We're not even married yet.

**Stan: **Yet! Yet! We will be, love! Say the word; name a time and place and I'm there!

**Kyle:** Well…do you love me? I know you'll say yes, and I'll believe you. Stan, if you love me…

**Stan:** Yes? Anything, really! I'll do anything to prove it to you!

**Kyle:** I…I want you to proclaim it.

**Stan:** What? That's kinda gaaaaaaay…

**Kyle: **Fucking do it! _(aside) _And what does it matter anyway, since we're gay in the first place? Though I guess he wouldn't know that.

**Stan: **Alright then…_ (clears throat)_ Kyle, by the fair moon I vow-

**Kyle: **Don't swear by the moon, the inconstant moon that changes every month!

**Stan:** Then…what'll I swear by?

**Kyle:** Don't swear at all! Or…if you feel like you have to, swear by yourself. The new god of my idolatry. Then I'll believe you.

**Stan:** If my hearts dear love-

**Kyle**: Never mind. Don't swear. I don't like this between us _at all. _It's too sudden…and well, we're both _guys. _That'll cause some problems for the parents-

**Stan:** Excuse me…did you just say you were a guy?

**Kyle:** I-I tried to tell you! I told you straight up at the party, but you ignored me like everyone else in the world! _(fidgets)_ I guess…you're gonna leave me then, right?

**Stan:** _(pauses)_ You know, I'm looking at you…and I'm seeing a guy, yeah, but I also feel no different. I still love you, Kyle.

**Kyle**: _(smiles) _I love you too.

_**Bebe Stevens**__ calls from within._

Someone's calling me. Goodbye love.

- I'm coming, Bebe! Shut the fuck _up_, damn!

- Wait a second, I'll be right back.

_He exits, above._

**Stan: **This can't be real! I have to be dreaming…I mean, the fact that he's a guy makes it so plainly obvious. I'm dreaming and Kyle is really a girl, that's all there is to it.

_Enter __**Kyle Broflovski**__, above._

**Kyle: **Three words, Stan, and then I'm going to bed. If you really do love me, and your intention marriage, send me word tomorrow. Where and when do you want to get married?

**Bebe: **_(within)_ Kylie!

**Kyle:** Wait a damn second!

- Good night Stan! _(he exits, above.)_

**Stan: **Come back Kyle, come back!

_Enter __**Kyle Broflovski**__ again, above._

**Kyle:** Shut up Stan, they'll hear you! Hell, they'll hear _me _and then we're both fucked.

**Stan:** It is my soul that calls your name. How silver-sweet sound at night, like softest music to attending ears!

**Kyle**: Stan!

**Stan: **Love?

**Kyle:** What time tomorrow will we meet? 

**Stan:** Nine.

**Kyle: **Of course; I'll be there. But…I did forget why I called you back.

**Stan:** I'll wait until you remember.

**Kyle:** I really…can't remember…it must've been just because I love your company. It's almost morning. You should go-

**Stan:** But I don't want to!

**Kyle:** Dammit Stan, I'm tired! Everyone's gonna wonder why I'm tired all day and I won't be able to tell them why, will I? At least give me a few hours sleep?

**Stan**: Well when you put it that way…

**Kyle**: Good night, good night! _(he exits, above.)_

**Stan: **Sleep well, ginger angel. Well, I have to go visit with the friar; surely he can tell me my good fortunes.

_He exits._

**Yaaaaay balcony scene! I felt kind of uncomfortable modernizing the speeches in this scene. I almost felt like it wasn't right…like Shakespeare was rolling over in his grave. D: but it's ok; I'll keep writing! Oh my god, I've been listening to 'Like a G6' while writing this. XD What**_** is**_** a G6 anyway? Is it military aircraft of some sort? Review if you know, or if you don't. I'm not picky. So can you guys remember who the Friar is~? ;D**


	9. Act 2, Scene 3

**Act 2, Scene 3**

_Enter __**Craig Tucker, **__alone._

**Craig: **so apparently my damn speech has been cut, along with most every other minor character's one place to shine. Honestly, what the fuck is that all about? Hey editor, you hear me? I want my damn parts back, you cheap bastard!

_Enter __**Stan Marsh.**_

**Stan: **Good morning, Friar.

**Craig:** Shove this morning up your ass. I'm assuming you're up so early cause you're sick, or something? _(rolls his eyes)_ Or you haven't slept yet. What the fuck are you bothering me for?

**Stan:** Yeah, I haven't been to bed yet. I'm damn tired…but it was worth it.

**Craig:** Oh. Well uh, according to this script I actually have to give a shit. Sooo…seriously dude? You were with that whore Wendy, weren't you?

**Stan:** Wendy? Jesus Christ no. I've forgotten all about that he-skank.

**Craig:** Well I guess that's good. Where've you been then?...is what I would ask if I gave a shit.

**Stan:** Nothing major. Kenny convinced me to crash Broflovski's party last night, so I was there…and I met this girl. Oh my God, Craig. She's amazing. We need your help though…something only you can do for us.

**Craig:** Oh Christ. What the hell do you want from me so early in the morning?

**Stan: **I'm in love with the daughter of Broflovski. She likes me too though, so it's all good. Do what you have to do; we want to get married. How it happened, what exactly went down…I'll tell you later. Come on Friar; marry us?

**Craig: **…Fucking idiot. You're not in love, you're in lust. You just want that poor girl's vadge. Whatever happened to Wendy, huh? So easily forgotten after one glance at this other girl-what's her name, anyway?

**Stan:** Kyle.

**Craig:** Kyle. Kyle. For Christ's sake, you idiot! A girl named _Kyle. _It's obvious you were thinking with the wrong head when you met this one. But come on; you whined and complained like a bitch to me for months because your love for Wendy was unrequited, and now this? Fuck you. Fuck you with something hard and sandpapery.

**Stan:** But you always used to yell at me for loving Wendy…like now.

**Craig:** Not for loving her. I could give two _shits_ who you love. I yell because you do things like bother me with your da_mn issues _before the sun is even up, thinking I can just drop _everything_ to suit you. So what is it you need, Stanley? A blowjob? Let me fucking get on my knees then! Christ!

**Stan:** Come on Friar, don't be like that. It's too late anyway, and you should be happy for me! Kyle loves me; Wendy didn't.

**Craig:** Yeah, cause Wendy was smart. She knew your idea of love was merely a conventional notion rather than something actually felt. Fine, I'll help. But only because it might end this damn feud between your families. All that fighting gives me migraines.

**Stan:** You're awesome, Craig! Thank you thank you thank you! Come on, right now. I want to get married _right_ now!

**Craig:** Wait five damn seconds you asshole. I have more important things to do than hold an unsupervised, secret, last-minute wedding ceremony. I'll do that later.

_They exit._

**I should be done with this by now. Though the translation process is brutal, the scenes don't take all that long to write. I'm just a lazy ass. But oh my God, 50 reviews. 50. I think I died when I saw that. I love you guys, really! Especially you continual reviewers; when I see different reviews on various chapters from the same person it makes me so happy. I've actually come to recognize some of your names! (no, I'm not a creeper. XD) keep reviewing, guys! ;D some days I only bother to upload because I know people are waiting for updates! :'D**

**Doesn't Craig make an awesome Friar Lawrence? XD god, I love writing his lines. Craig is so awesome.**


	10. Act 2, Scene 4

**Act 2, Scene 4**

_Enter __**Butters Stotch**__ and __**Kenny McCormick.**_

**Kenny: **Where the hell is Stan? I heard he didn't go home last night?

**Butters:** Y-yeah…I talked to Pip, and he said he hadn't come home.

**Kenny:** That pale, cruel-hearted succubus Wendy torments him so badly he'll go insane.

**Butters:** Ike, Broflovski's son, sent a letter to Stan's house.

**Kenny:** Way to change the subject, Butters. Wait what? That's kind of…gay.

**Butters**: A letter of challenge!

**Kenny:** Oh. Well that's still weak. I mean really, why couldn't he just challenge him to his face? If he's such a badass…

**Butters:** Stan'll fight him. I know he will.

**Kenny:** Oh, poor Stan! He's already dead, stabbed with that white skank's black eye, run through the ear with a love song. And he's going to fight Ike?

**Butters:** W-why? Ike is no challenge. _(aside)_ to me, yeah. He-he'd kick my ass…

**Kenny: **Ike?_Ike? _You're serious? He might be just a kid to us, Butters, but that egg-head Canadian can fight. A gentleman from the best fencing school, a school that teaches in painstaking detail how to distinguish between different reasons for fighting. Ah, the immortal passado, the punto, reverso, the hai!

**Butters: **What?

**Kenny:** I fucking like fencing, _God _Butters. Is that a crime that I admire the kid's skill? Screw those guys who put on pretentious manners, acting all snobby. "By Jesu, a very good blade! A very tall man! A very good whore!" _(mockingly)_ Why is not this a lamentable thing, grandsire, that we should be thus afflicted with these parasites, these fashionmongers, these "pardon me's" who stand so much on current fashion that they can't sit at ease on a goddamn bench?

**Butters:** Kenny…?

_Enter __**Stan Marsh.**_

**Butters: **Here comes Stan, it's Stan!

**Kenny:** Without his _balls. _Now he's living a poem of Petrarch. Signor Stan, _bonjour!_ There's a French salutation to your French bullshit. You left us last night, dude.

**Stan:** G'morning. What are you talking about, last night?

**Kenny:** The slip, sir, the slip. _(sighs)_ Are you retarded?

**Stan:** Oh sorry Kenny, I had some…things to do. I had to forgo the usual courtesy.

**Kenny:** Yeah yeah; whatever happened to 'bros before hoes'? Dude, we know what you were doing last night. Wendy, to be more specific.

**Stan:** Dude. Um, noooo.

**Kenny:** _(he sniggers) _Come on, you can't seriously say you skipped out on us last night and didn't get some ass? Cause that would be gay. Like, gayer than Butters.

**Butters**: H-hey!

**Kenny:** Oh quiet, Buttercup. You're gayer than a guy in Capri's skipping in a field while licking a rainbow colored, penis shaped lollipop. _(pecks him on the cheek) _But I love you anyway.

**Butters:** …

**Stan:** Oh ha. That was so funny I forgot to laugh.

**Kenny:** Oh Butters, catch me! My wit fails at the moment! _(swoons)_

**Stan:** Well you'd better get it back, or I think I'll win this battle. Stan one, Kenny zero.

**Kenny: **No way! I totally win by default, cause…cause I'm fucking gorgeous!

**Stan**: To who, Butters? Butters thinks the Kardashians are hot. Shows how much he knows.

**Kenny:** Oooh…you'd better watch it, Mr. Marsh. I might bite your ear for that one. Are you saying I'm not beautiful?

**Stan:** No please, no biting. I get bored with this.

**Kenny:** What, isn't it better than whining and bitching over love? Now you're sociable; a decent human to converse with. Are you Stan again? Cause seriously, all this idiotic love talk is like a mentally retarded person running around with his tongue hanging out.

**Butters:** Oh, that's not nice Kenny.

**Kenny:** You want me to stop right when I'm getting to the good part?

**Butters:** Y-yes. It would have been a long, drawn out speech and that's not fair. The editor is cutting out most of the long speeches, so if you did another one when most everyone else's are getting cut-

**Kenny: **Oh please, I would have made it short. I'm not as long-winded as this character.

**Stan:** Oh, here's my business.

_Enter __**Bebe Stevens**__ and __**Token Black.**_

**Kenny: **Daaaaayum, look at that ass!

**Butters:** Kenny!

**Kenny:** Hey, I'm pounding yours, remember? I wouldn't dream of touching that one, I swear. Plus I was talking about _his_, not hers-

**Bebe:** Token.

**Token:** Yeah, yeah.

**Bebe:** My fan, Token?

**Token:** Hmph. _(aside)_ though I can't help but think that me getting a servant part is a little racist…

**Kenny:** Good job, Token. The fan's the prettier of the two anyway.

**Bebe:** _(ignoring__** Kenny's**__ snide comment)_ Good morning.

**Kenny:** Well good _evening_ to you.

**Bebe**: Is it evening?

**Kenny:** No, the sun is just playing hide and seek with the moon. Idiot.

**Bebe**: Shut up, asshole! Who the fuck do you think you are?

**Stan: **Just another man God made, but who lives to damage himself.

**Kenny:** You have _no_ idea, dude.

**Bebe:** Huh. Well. While I'm here, can any of you happen to tell me where I can find a young Stan?

**Stan:** I'm the youngest I know of that goes by the name, for lack of a worse.

**Bebe:** You say well.

**Kenny:** _Is_ the worst well? Such a great interpreter of words. Bravo, bravo.

**Bebe**: _(shooting a dark glance at __**Kenny**__) _Well if you're him, I'd like some…confidence with you.

**Butters:** Confidence? You mean 'conference', I think? What, a-are you gonna 'indite' him to supper too?

**Kenny:** Oh Butters, you can be so vicious sometimes! This is why I love you! So ho!

**Stan:** What'd you find?

**Kenny:** No hare, sir, _(he grins maliciously)_ unless a hare in a Lenten pie- that is, something old and moldy.

_(sings)_ An old hare whore,

And an old hare whore,

Is very good meat in Lent.

But a hare that is whore

Is too much for a score

When it whores it will be spent

Hey Stan, are you coming back home? Let's go to dinner.

**Stan:** Yeah sure. That sounds alright.

**Kenny**: Goodbye, ancient lady. Fareweeeelll, lady lady lady.

_**Kenny McCormick**__ and __**Butters Stotch**__ exit._

**Bebe: **Who the fuck was that who thought he was such hot shit?

**Stan:** Just a guy who loves to hear himself talk, and will speak more in a minute than he'll defend in a month.

**Bebe**: I'll kick his ass. Staring at me like that. Did you see the way he was staring? I'm not another one of his usual sluts or tramps. (_to __**Token**__)_ and you stood by the whole time and let him do that?

**Token:** I didn't see anything wrong. I mean Bebe, you do know…?

**Bebe:** What? All I know is that that _sleaze_ was totally undressing me with his eyes! I mean, I can't help it if I'm sexy, but he needs to not be so obvious about-

**Token:** He's gay.

**Bebe:** Excuse me?

**Token: **He's gay. That other little blonde? That's his boyfriend.

**Bebe**: Uhhh…umm… _(to __**Stan**__)_ So like I said before, my lady wanted me to ask you something. She told me to say-well, I'll wait a sec-first let me set one thing straight; if you're just lying to her, if you're not serious about this I swear to God. She's young, alright, so she doesn't see the impurities in people as quickly as I do. I'll kill you if you hurt her.

**Stan**: Nurse, I promise-

**Bebe:** Good, good! I'll tell her! Oh my Kylie; she'll be such a happy little wifie!

**Stan:** What are you going to tell her? I didn't…say anything.

**Bebe:** I'll tell her that you propose, of course! Silly goose!

**Stan:** Well then tell her to somehow find a way to get to church this afternoon. There we'll go to the Friar's cell and get married.

**Bebe:** This afternoon? Jeez, didn't you guys just meet at that party last night? Seems kinda…soon… _(__**Stan **__stares at her for several minutes) _I'll tell her right away, don't worry! This afternoon it is! Haa…haa…

**Stan: **Stay here, alright? My servant will be by and give you a rope ladder for me to use later tonight. Goodbye. Say hi to Kyle for me.

**Bebe:** Ok! Ok! But um, can your servant keep a secret? You know, "two people can keep a secret, as long as one doesn't know about it"?

**Stan:** It's Pip. He'll do whatever I say.

**Bebe:** Oh. Ok then. That's fine. –Token!

**Token:** Yeah, yeah…

**Bebe:** Let's go!

_They exit._

**Alright guys, I'm sad to say this may be the last new scene in a long time. It's not that I'm discontinuing the story or that I've gotten lazy again; it's just I don't think I'm gonna have a place to upload things anymore. But don't worry; the story will one day be finished. Just bare with me, ok? I'm told 'patience is a virtue', but I don't have time for that crap.**

**Review? It'll make my sad day better!**


	11. Act 2, Scene 5

**Act 2, Scene 5**

_Enter __**Kyle Broflovski.**_

**Kyle: **Jeez, where the hell is Bebe? It was nine o clock when she left and she said she'd be back in half an hour. Maybe she didn't meet with him. No, don't think that. It's noon, dammit, where the fuck is she?

_Enter __**Bebe Stevens**__ and __**Token Black**_

Oh, she's here. –Bebe, what's the news? Did you see him?

**Bebe: **Token, go away.

**Token**: Fine, bitch. _(__**Token**__ exits.)_

**Kyle: **Bebe. Bebeeee. You look sad. Is it bad news? It's not bad news. Dammit Bebe, if it's good news and you're making me worry like this I'll fucking kill you.

**Bebe:** I'm tiiiiired Kylie. Leave me alone for awhile.

**Kyle: **No, nope. Come on, Bebe, speak. Tell me, dammit!

**Bebe:** Jesus, someone's in a rush! Can't you wait five seconds? I'm _obviously_ distressed!

**Kyle:** I've been waiting more than five seconds; tell me! How are you tired when you have enough energy to tell me you're tired? You don't make any goddamn sense! Is it good or bad news, Bebe? That's all I want to know at this point.

**Bebe: **Idiot. You can't pick a man! Stan? Alright, so maybe he is pretty sexy, and he can run fast, or maybe he's good at football. That doesn't matter. He's not the most polite guy I've ever had the fortune of talking to, but he means no harm. Do as you please. Did you eat lunch?

**Kyle: **No, I was waiting for your slow ass! I knew all that before. What did he say about us getting married? Stop changing the damn subject!

**Bebe**: _(aside) _Funny, I'm pretty sure gay marriage isn't legal in Colorado.

**Kyle: **What?

**Bebe: **He says, like the sweetheart he is-where's your mother?

**Kyle:** Where is my…mother? I don't know, somewhere around here. What an asinine thing to say! 'He says, like the sweetheart he is, "Where is your mother"'?

**Bebe:** Jesus effing Christ, you're impatient. You're damn pushy, Kyle. Do your messages yourself.

**Kyle: **Come oooonnn. What did he say?

**Bebe**: Can you go to the church today?

**Kyle:** I…could. I mean, I had no intention seeing as I'm _Jewish_, but sure. Why?

**Bebe:** Then go to Friar Craig's cell. Stan should be there to make you a wife. Hurry to the church; I have to go get a damn ladder for him.

**Kyle: **A ladder?

**Bebe**: Yeah. _(smirks)_ How the hell else did you think he was gonna climb up to your room tonight so you could, you know…fornicate.

**Kyle**: …Shut the fuck up Bebe.

_(They exit.)_

**Sorry again about the slow updates thing. I can't upload at home because of certain…circumstances. And to answer your question, Darkslayer18, I don't hate you. XD But Jesus, I've been so busy with so many stories lately! I'm writing this and Life and Times (my two ongoing South Parks) and I still have to finish I Could Fall in Love With Your Ass (another Style), and then I've recently become addicted to Hetalia, so don't be surprised to find an onslaught of Hetalia stories soon. = n = I have to admit though; this is damn fun to write. Oh, and for the record, fuck **_**Gnomeo and Juliet**_**. That shit is worse blasphemy to Shakespeare than what I'm doing.**

**Reviews for this sad soul? I flock to reviews like Pedos to Catholic churches. ;D**


	12. Act 2, Scene 6

**Act 2, Scene 6**

_Enter __**Craig Tucker**__ and __**Stan Marsh.**_

**Craig: **May the heavens smile upon this holy act, so that after-hours yada yada. Who really reads this shit?

**Stan:** No matter what hardships come our way, it can't match the happiness it is exchanged when I'm with her. Marry us, Craig. Then may love-devouring death do what he dare. It is enough that I can call her mine.

**Craig:** Violent delights have violent ends, Stan. In their fulfillment die, like fire and gunpowder, which as they kiss, consume. Love…moderately. Mundanely, you could say.

**Stan:** That sounds…boring.

**Craig:** I try to give you some damn decent advice once and you fucking act like an ungrateful prick? Fine; fuck off. Don't expect anything more from me.

_Enter __**Kyle Broflovski.**_

Here comes your fucking husband.

**Kyle:** Good afternoon, Craig.

**Craig:** I haven't seen you around here before. You're Jewish, right?

**Kyle:** Yeah. _(narrows his eyes)_

**Craig:** Right then. Let's get this over with.

**Stan:** Oh Kyle, if the amount of your joy is as much as mine then sweeten the air and let rich music's tongue unfold the imagined happiness of our marriage. _(kisses him)_

**Kyle: **You're a poet too? What the hell don't you do? Ok then; I'll try. Conceit…they are but beggars that can count their worth, but my love is grown to such enormities that I cannot sum up half my wealth.

**Stan**: Oh, that was good! How about-

**Craig:** Alright, shut the fuck up. Jesus, I agreed to do this, but who the hell knew it was going to mean you two fags were going to rape my ears? I'll make this short work. I wouldn't trust you two alone in a room if fucking Nostradamus told me you wouldn't be at it like fucking rabbits when I got back.

_They exit._

**You gotta love Craig. I'm sorry! Je regret! I feel like I promised more updates than this…but I'll admit, I've been slacking. I love this story, I do, but I've been writing so damn much lately with my Hetalia stuff (cause there's at least five stories that I'm working on that I haven't uploaded yet, South Park and otherwise) that I've been neglecting my love, Style. Ooh, crucial question: that sex scene…cut it out and leave the aftermath, like in the original Romeo and Juliet, or add it in? If I add it I really don't want to write it in playwright form…I'd have to write it out like an actual story. But that would make me feel weird. Thoughts on this? D:**

**Reviews, seriously guys. Even though I rarely reply, they make me so happy it should be illegal. They're my crack~ **


	13. Act 3, Scene 1

**Act 3, Scene 1**

_Enter __**Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch**__, and various others._

**Butters: **Please, Kenny, can we go inside somewhere? It's way too hot outside to do anything, and the Broflovskis are out. If we meet with them, there's no way we're avoiding a fight.

**Kenny: **Pfft. You sound like one of those guys who goes to a bar after fighting with his wife, cursing and swearing never to go back to her, only to end up crying like a little shit hours later, begging her to take him back.

**Butters**: Am I? 

**Kenny:** Oh come on Butters, you have to admit. You're as easily provoked to anger and as easily made angry at having been provoked. Of course, you're all talk. You're just a sweet little Buttercup, aren't you~?

**Butters:** I-I can be scary if I want to! Really!

**Kenny:** _(rolls his eyes)_ Yeah, you would argue with a guy for eating blueberries, for no other reason but because you have blue eyes. What person but you would look for such a fight? You've argued with a guy for coughing in the street because he woke up your dog sleeping in the sun. And yet you scold_ me_ for my arguing!

**Butters**: I'm really not so quick to get mad as you say…? _(rubs his knuckles together) _No, those are only things that annoyed me that I told you about. I never really…argue…

_Enter __**Ike Broflovski**__, generic dude, and others._

**Butters:** Oh hamburgers, here come the Broflovskis.

**Kenny:** Who gives a rat's ass?

**Ike**: Oh gentlemen, good afternoon. Can I talk to one of you for a sec?

**Kenny:** Just one word with one of us? Why don't you add something to it: a word and a blow.

**Ike**: I have no intention of getting on my knees for you, Kenny. If you meant a fight, sure. Just give me a reason.

**Kenny:** Couldn't you just do it without reason?

**Ike:** Kenny, you consort with Stan.

**Kenny:** Con…sort? Hey, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm fucking every guy I know! What the hell is your problem, Canadian midget? _(reaches for his sword)_

**Butters:** Kenny, where did you get a sword?

**Kenny**: Umm…plot device, Butters. Plot device.

**Butters:** We're out in public! Either go somewhere private or talk things over calmly, or leave. People are staring!

**Kenny:** Eyes were made to look, Butters. I'm not leaving.

_Enter __**Stan Marsh.**_

**Ike: **Well, I have no reason to fight. Here comes my man.

**Kenny:** I'll happily be hanged if Stan was yours. I thought you said you weren't of my orientation, egghead?

**Ike:** _(ignoring __**Kenny**__) _Stan, the love I feel for you can be described no better than this: you are an asshole douche.

**Stan: **…wow, what an unexpected greeting. Ike, the reason I have to love you excuses the fact that I'm not angry at being called as such by you. I'm not an asshole douche. At that, goodbye. I see you don't know me.

**Ike:** I won't excuse the embarrassment and injuries you have caused me. Turn and draw!

**Stan:** I never did anything to you, but love you better than you can imagine until you know the reason of my love. And so, good Broflovski, which name I hold as dearly as my own, be satisfied.

**Kenny**: _(to __**Butters**__)_ Uhhhhhhmmmm…is Stan trying to tell us something, you think? _(to __**Ike**__) _Oy! You think you can get away so easily?

**Ike:** What do you want from me?

**Kenny: **Nothing, nothing at all, King of Cats, but one of your nine lives. And, depending on how you behave afterwards, the rest of them! _(draws his sword)_

**Ike:** Alright then. _(draws his sword) _Gotta love that plot device, huh? A 16th century fight in modern times?

**Kenny**: I see nothing wrong with it.

_(__**Kenny McCormick**__ and __**Ike Broflovski**__ fight.)_

**Stan: **(draws his sword) Come on, Butters, draw! We have to beat down their weapons. I mean sure, none of us have used a sword a day in our lives and god knows we've never taken lessons, but we can fight as if we've had professional training since birth! It makes complete sense; don't doubt it!

**Butters:** Stan, when did _you_ get a sword?

**Stan:** I'm pretty sure it was either the plot device or that guy who gave us those ninja weapons a long time ago.

- Dudes, stop! Seriously, Ike, Kenny! The Dark Prince forbade this fighting in South Park's streets. Guys!

_(__**Stan Marsh**__ tries to break up fight and __**Ike Broflovski**__ stabs __**Kenny McCormick**__ under __**Stan Marsh's**__ arm.)_

**Ike and other Broflovskis exit.**

**Kenny: **Aw shit. Shit, shit, shit. Seriously? Is he gone with fucking nothing and me this?

**Butters**: K-Kenny? Are you hurt?

**Kenny:** Uh, yeah. It's just a scratch, really. I'll be fine. –Go, somebody get a surgeon.

**Stan:** Man up, Kenny. You'll be fine.

**Kenny:** Oh yes, I'll be fine. It's not as deep as a well or wide as a fucking door, God no. I'll be just fine. Ask for me tomorrow and you'll be directed to a graveyard. I'm done with this world. Or at least, a normal person would be. Hell, I'll probably be back tomorrow. Fuck, I _will_ be back tomorrow. You assholes won't even remember either, and that's the best part. You never remember. A plague on both your houses! Why the hell did you come between us; I was hurt under your arm!

**Stan:** I-I thought it was for the best…

**Kenny:** Help me into some house, Butters, or I'm going to faint. A plague on your houses! Ugh, you've killed me this time, you bastards!

**Kenny McCormick and Butters Stotch exit.**

**Stan: **My f-f-friend…is going to die because of me. Because of Ike- and he's only been my cousin for an hour! Oh Kyle, your beauty has made me weak.

_Enter __**Butters Stotch.**_

**Butters: **Stan, Stan! K-Kenny is dead! He's dead! Oh my God…

**Stan:** Bastards!

_Enter __**Ike Broflovski.**_

**Butters:** I-It's Ike again.

**Stan:** Him alive and Kenny dead? Ike! I'm not an asshole douche; take it back, for Kenny's soul is still just a little above our heads, waiting for you to keep him company. Either you or I, or both, will join him.

**Ike:** Asshole douche. I'm not taking it back; make me!

**Stan:** You're so damn childish, Ike!

_They fight__**. Ike Broflovski**__ falls._

**Butters: **Stan, get out of here! The townspeople are up in arms, and Ike is dead. Don't stand here! Damien will sentence you to death if you are caught! Get out of here!

_**Stan Marsh**__ exits._

_Enter __**Townspeople.**_

**Townsperson: **Where did the guy who killed Kenny go? That bastard, Ike, where is he?

**Butters:** Th-There's Ike.

**Townsperson:** _(to __**Butters Stotch**__)_ Come with me. In the name of the Dark Prince, follow.

_Enter __**Damien, Randy Marsh, Gerald Broflovski**__, their wives, and all._

**Damien: **Son of a-! Alright, who the hell started this? Where are they?

**Butters:** U-Um, I can tell you who they were that started this. That right there, th-that's Ike, killed by Stan, because Ike killed Kenny.

**Mrs. Broflovski**: Ike! Oh God, Ike! No, no, no, no, my bubbe…

**Damien:** You, you're Kenny's twink. What happened here?

**Butters:** W-Well, Ike and Kenny got in a fight and Stan tried to stop them, but ended up getting Kenny killed instead. Ike killed Kenny, and since he was Stan's friend he wanted to avenge him. So he killed Ike.

**Damien:** Well. Thank God; I was expecting a long, overly-explained, drawn-out, completely unnecessary speech.

**Butters:** It was cut. The editor figured that it was easier to explain in the most cut-dry way.

**Damien:** But of course.

**Mrs. Broflovski:** He is with Marsh; he must be lying! Please, Dark Prince, I beg for justice! Stan killed my little boy; he must not live.

**Damien**: Stan killed him. He killed Kenny. Who the hell is at fault here?

**Randy Marsh:** Not Stan, that's for damn sure. Listen to me, I'm a geologist. Stan was Kenny's friend; he only did what the law would do anyway: kill Ike.

**Damien:** It is decided then. For this offense, in order to keep certain parties happy, Stan is banished from South Park. If ever he is found here again, I will have no choice but to kill him.

_They exit (with __**Ike Broflovski's**__ body)._

**Annnnnnnd Kenny's dead. Those bastards. D: Well well, we're getting somewhere in this story, yeah? Sweet. A long chapter for you guys, after many many short ones. Gotta love that plot device, right? Right? OTL**

**J'aime reviews, mais je n'aime pas flames. ;D Well I mean, I do. Flames make me laugh. I digress; Reviews for this poor French soul?**


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